Those Advice from A Father Which Saved Us as a New Father

"In my view I was simply in survival mode for a year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the challenges of fatherhood.

However the reality soon proved to be "very different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into becoming her main carer in addition to looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, each diaper… every stroll. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared.

Following 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he needed help.

The simple phrases "You aren't in a good spot. You require support. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While society is now better used to discussing the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles new fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his challenges are linked to a wider inability to open up between men, who often internalise harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help. I didn't do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - particularly in front of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the chance to ask for a respite - spending a couple of days abroad, outside of the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he required a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotions alongside the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the language of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The idea of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen did not have reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says suppressing feelings resulted in him make "terrible decisions" when in his youth to change how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that aren't helpful," he explains. "They may temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a family member, your other half or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the pursuits that made you feel like yourself before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the physical health - a good diet, physical activity and where possible, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is doing.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - sharing their journeys, the challenges, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - taking care of yourself is the optimal method you can care for your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead give the security and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their pain, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I believe my role is to instruct and tell you on life, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."